What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 12:08
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im still living with it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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We all went to grammer schools
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What did i know ?
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One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She found it foreign!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were not on the streets..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I don,t even have a pension.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I said to her
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She married twice! .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was in good health!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was 9 years of age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I write beautiful poetry .
My family never makes their pension either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My life is so biszare .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had hoped to write a book about this .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?